Happy Birthday

Tomorrow is my Mom's birthday, She would have been 52 years young. I dread the days that are suppose to "mean" more. Because they hurt more. I am looking forward to going through old pictures and having dinner with just my Dad and my Sis. I don't look forward to the tears...

It still seems unreal to me. One week she was enjoying family and walking through zoo lights and next we are bringing her home from the mayo... i think about that time and still can't believe what happened. I guess we always knew it would come down to it...

I thank that i have a family that is supportive and keeps me busy. I wish no one to go through what i have been through. As much as life is part of life, so is death. Unfair or not.

I need to beleive that my mom is looking down from wherever she is and is watching me and my family grow and become what she has always wanted. We will have margaritas and some crab legs for you Mom! Happy Birthday and miss you greatly!

a time for myself....

There is this thing called time. It is the true test. Can you keep up? You always say when I have time I will... You always say I will get around to it later... You always think that you will have more of it...

Father forgive me I have sinned, It has been over 6 month since my last blog post...

I started to think about my week and what lies ahead and thought, does it ever end? No, with kids it does not. With a wife that works a semi opposite schedule that me and a wife that enjoys her extra curricular activities as well, there isn't much time for just us and the kids. When there is, its usually spent cleaning, shopping, cleaning, sleeping, friends and family events and family dinners.

I use my blog as a way to vent my thoughts and frustrations and my emotions into words. I don't mind sharing my inner mind, but I sometimes dont want to blog as I go places I don't want to go.. but sometimes need to..

As I have my Cardinal DJ headphones on listening to music that puts me into an emotional and thoughtful place. The only thing and person I am thinking about is my Mom..

I dont know how to explain the process I have been though... I know I don't share enough with the person that I should the most. It is just difficult. I had a conversation with my Dad last weekend about how we deal with other people's family passing away... (sorry just had to change the Tivo to the next episode of Sponge bob)

How does one feel compassion when my mom was 50 when cancer took her? She never saw her granddaughter been born... I do not have sympathy when you have a grandma that lived to 90 or a grandpa to 87... I don't know if I will ever be... right? Normal? whatever you want to call it. If I live pass 70 I will call it a success and would not want anyone shedding a tear for me... I lead a good long life if it is meant to be...

I think I will try to spend more time on what matters more to me and not on things that do not. Its easier said than done. When your time is done, I am not going to be the person that looks back on life and wished that I spent a few more hours with my son watching Spongebob :) I am going to be the one that doesn't push his workweek to 12 hour days (Cuz really is it worth it in the end?) I want to be spend more time with friends and my family. My Mom was always there for me and never complained about it. I will keep that true to her and do the same for my children... I miss my Mom every single day.

I know this thought to blog was very sporadic and may not make much sense. But it's what I need to do and if you read this then its your own fault!