Although you are in paradise
I still feel your presence
I know you are watching...
guiding...
loving...
Even though you are missed dearly, you are always in our hearts and in that sparkle in my kids eyes..
I see myself more and more like the parent you knew I would be. Caring less about being materialistic and selfish and more about how do i spend my time with my son, my daughter, and my wife.
I strive to be successful, but not as the expense of my family. I strive to be successful to be able to spend on my family.
This day, this Mother's Day, will forever be tough. As I will always think of you and the love you gave me. The hard love and guidance you bestowed upon me has made me a better man because of it. I wish I could stand in front of you, give you a hug and tell you thank you one more time.
I now have the duty of making sure the most important mother in my life is shown how much she is appreciated and loved. I can only hope she is as good a mom to my kids as you were to me....
On this Mothers Day, I truley miss you and love you with so much of my heart.
Always, your son.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Monday, September 26, 2011
To you:
Dear Hunter,
I write this to you on your fourth birthday. Why? I am not entirely sure yet, but I want you to know what has gone through my mind over the last four years. This is something I wanted to do when you were born, but as they say Life gets short quick. I still can't believe you are four. Just yesterday you were crawling around getting pissed off when i was in a room that was blocked off from you. You getting so mad because you couldnt walk and move the way you knew you could. Now, you are jumping from couches and running with blazing Flash like speed. You are such an amazing man and cannot wait to see you through your years.
Lets back up a little... many moments are still very vivid for me when I found out about you... Me and your Uncles have been friends since the 7th grade, and your mom was kinda always there either in the background or as a side note. When we all hit high school I kinda noticed Kim a few times. Well, she was my best friends sister. Anything was out of the question. When we were in college, the typical party or hangout at my house was pretty common place. Especially when your uncles were in on leave. When me and your mom got together, honestly it was not love at first sight (well, at least for me, I think it was for her..) We did what every college kid does, we had fun. I graduated college in Fall of 2006 and celebrated like it was the last time I would ever party. We had a fantastic trip to Vegas and several parties at my house and others. A few months later in February I got a call from your mom which she was living in California at the time and said she wanted to talk to me when she was back in town the upcoming weekend. Note: when a woman says this, it is rarely a good thing. That week was tough. I was thinking of everything and anything that she could want to talk about. So after a long week we plan on meeting. We meet and she tells me that she is pregnant with you. I didn't know what to do. Your mom knew right away that she was gonna have you and there was no changing her mind. It was a short conversation. It took me a little longer to come to terms that I was gonna have a child and that I needed to grow up. Over the summer me and your mom really didn't talk too much unless there was a doctors appointment or via email. I am very thankful that you Mom kept me in the loop on everything even though I may not have been ready. I was still very selfish and only was thinking of myself. How could this happen? I wanted to keep up the college life and see where my career would go. So The summer seemed to kind of fly by and before I knew it, the baby show was here. My family and your moms family was there and it was fun and awkward at the same time for me. There was a moment though, that changed everything. I think it was finally a realty for me that I was going to have to take care of this kid for the rest of his life. I had no idea how and what the hell I was doing, but I thought: I have no other choice. I was raised that you do what has to be done.
Your uncle was in town to see you in to this world. We decided that we would go out and grab a beer or two. After dinner your mom wasn't feeling good and that she was having contractions. There went our night out. We went to the hospital and she was checked in. A short while back I decided that I would be in the delivery room to see you into this world. I was unsure for the longest time. Was it right when i didn't think I would ever end up with you mom. Would It ever work out with us just being friends with a kid. Not sure, but decided that if my son was being born I wanted to be the first to see him. Within 12 hours i saw your cone shaped head and heard your first cry. In that instance I knew this was amazing and made the right decision. I knew I would always be there for you no matter what.
Over the next two weeks I held you and spent as much time as possible with you. Many people in my life didn't know i was having a child. so I began sharing you with the world. I think back and wonder what I was thinking sometimes. But hey we are all human and immature at times. I know you will have these moments too.
Me and your mom were splitting time with you as even as possible. I was working and trying to keep up my old lifestyle to an extent when you were with your mom. Then there were a few girls that changed the way I look at things. I wont get into particulars, but I realized how mature i have become in such a short time.
I don't know when exactly I started hanging out with your mom more and started enjoying her being around, but it did. We took you up to Prescott for your first birthday and had a great time. I still love that day. It was perfect.
Time moves fast and before I knew it your mom was pretty much living at my place and we started dating. Which started a whole slew of people questioning me about why I changed my mind on her. I don't know. What I will say is that Love is not always love at first sight. I have had that, and got burned so bad. This love was different. It was slow and long. I knew that I just liked being around your mom. It was easy, it was comfortable. she took me for who I am. It was not perfect but it was us and it works.
You were growing so fast and before I knew it you were rolling around in your power wheels truck. Jumping around and love the game of Candy Land and Don't break the Ice. I love playing with you and seeing your skills and imagination..
In 2008 when you were just a baby, my mom was diagnosed with cancer. We kept our hopes high. I think you never want to come to terms with the reality of it all though. I always said to myself that when my mom is out of this, I will get married so I can have my mom enjoy the mother son dance on the wedding floor.
In 2009 we decided to try and have another child. Originally I wanted to see about having 3 kids and your mom was set on 2. I figured lets see after 2 and then maybe 3. We didnt tell anyone that we were, not yet at least. Why would we not want to have additional kid as cool and fun as you were.
Your Nana left us in March 2010. The biggest thing that tears me apart is that you wont get to know her and how great of person she was. She lives though me and I will make sure you know her. If I ever get angry because I am hungry or am pissed because I cant find anything and tear the house apart, well, that is her...
Two days after your Nana left us, I found out that i was having your sister. It was such an emotional time and I remember that my Dad asked me if i was going to marry you mom now. I said that I was.
I decided that in June of 2010 to ask you Mom to marry me. We decided a trip for her birthday to Vegas and thought what better time to ask her. I made the preparations. She said yes. I knew that my Mom would be watching and be there in spirit.
Life is not always the way you plan it and not always the way things are described to you when you are young. There will be things that make life hard and difficult to move on. All i can hope is that you have a little of that as possible. I only wish you the best and will do everything in my power to keep you safe and be successful.
So on your 4th birthday, I sit here writing this to you because i want you to know what happened and why you are the man you are. I hope you always keep that imagination and don't ever let anyone tear that down. It will take you to great heights. I write this for you, my son, because i love you with all my heart.
I write this to you on your fourth birthday. Why? I am not entirely sure yet, but I want you to know what has gone through my mind over the last four years. This is something I wanted to do when you were born, but as they say Life gets short quick. I still can't believe you are four. Just yesterday you were crawling around getting pissed off when i was in a room that was blocked off from you. You getting so mad because you couldnt walk and move the way you knew you could. Now, you are jumping from couches and running with blazing Flash like speed. You are such an amazing man and cannot wait to see you through your years.
Lets back up a little... many moments are still very vivid for me when I found out about you... Me and your Uncles have been friends since the 7th grade, and your mom was kinda always there either in the background or as a side note. When we all hit high school I kinda noticed Kim a few times. Well, she was my best friends sister. Anything was out of the question. When we were in college, the typical party or hangout at my house was pretty common place. Especially when your uncles were in on leave. When me and your mom got together, honestly it was not love at first sight (well, at least for me, I think it was for her..) We did what every college kid does, we had fun. I graduated college in Fall of 2006 and celebrated like it was the last time I would ever party. We had a fantastic trip to Vegas and several parties at my house and others. A few months later in February I got a call from your mom which she was living in California at the time and said she wanted to talk to me when she was back in town the upcoming weekend. Note: when a woman says this, it is rarely a good thing. That week was tough. I was thinking of everything and anything that she could want to talk about. So after a long week we plan on meeting. We meet and she tells me that she is pregnant with you. I didn't know what to do. Your mom knew right away that she was gonna have you and there was no changing her mind. It was a short conversation. It took me a little longer to come to terms that I was gonna have a child and that I needed to grow up. Over the summer me and your mom really didn't talk too much unless there was a doctors appointment or via email. I am very thankful that you Mom kept me in the loop on everything even though I may not have been ready. I was still very selfish and only was thinking of myself. How could this happen? I wanted to keep up the college life and see where my career would go. So The summer seemed to kind of fly by and before I knew it, the baby show was here. My family and your moms family was there and it was fun and awkward at the same time for me. There was a moment though, that changed everything. I think it was finally a realty for me that I was going to have to take care of this kid for the rest of his life. I had no idea how and what the hell I was doing, but I thought: I have no other choice. I was raised that you do what has to be done.
Your uncle was in town to see you in to this world. We decided that we would go out and grab a beer or two. After dinner your mom wasn't feeling good and that she was having contractions. There went our night out. We went to the hospital and she was checked in. A short while back I decided that I would be in the delivery room to see you into this world. I was unsure for the longest time. Was it right when i didn't think I would ever end up with you mom. Would It ever work out with us just being friends with a kid. Not sure, but decided that if my son was being born I wanted to be the first to see him. Within 12 hours i saw your cone shaped head and heard your first cry. In that instance I knew this was amazing and made the right decision. I knew I would always be there for you no matter what.
Over the next two weeks I held you and spent as much time as possible with you. Many people in my life didn't know i was having a child. so I began sharing you with the world. I think back and wonder what I was thinking sometimes. But hey we are all human and immature at times. I know you will have these moments too.
Me and your mom were splitting time with you as even as possible. I was working and trying to keep up my old lifestyle to an extent when you were with your mom. Then there were a few girls that changed the way I look at things. I wont get into particulars, but I realized how mature i have become in such a short time.
I don't know when exactly I started hanging out with your mom more and started enjoying her being around, but it did. We took you up to Prescott for your first birthday and had a great time. I still love that day. It was perfect.
Time moves fast and before I knew it your mom was pretty much living at my place and we started dating. Which started a whole slew of people questioning me about why I changed my mind on her. I don't know. What I will say is that Love is not always love at first sight. I have had that, and got burned so bad. This love was different. It was slow and long. I knew that I just liked being around your mom. It was easy, it was comfortable. she took me for who I am. It was not perfect but it was us and it works.
You were growing so fast and before I knew it you were rolling around in your power wheels truck. Jumping around and love the game of Candy Land and Don't break the Ice. I love playing with you and seeing your skills and imagination..
In 2008 when you were just a baby, my mom was diagnosed with cancer. We kept our hopes high. I think you never want to come to terms with the reality of it all though. I always said to myself that when my mom is out of this, I will get married so I can have my mom enjoy the mother son dance on the wedding floor.
In 2009 we decided to try and have another child. Originally I wanted to see about having 3 kids and your mom was set on 2. I figured lets see after 2 and then maybe 3. We didnt tell anyone that we were, not yet at least. Why would we not want to have additional kid as cool and fun as you were.
Your Nana left us in March 2010. The biggest thing that tears me apart is that you wont get to know her and how great of person she was. She lives though me and I will make sure you know her. If I ever get angry because I am hungry or am pissed because I cant find anything and tear the house apart, well, that is her...
Two days after your Nana left us, I found out that i was having your sister. It was such an emotional time and I remember that my Dad asked me if i was going to marry you mom now. I said that I was.
I decided that in June of 2010 to ask you Mom to marry me. We decided a trip for her birthday to Vegas and thought what better time to ask her. I made the preparations. She said yes. I knew that my Mom would be watching and be there in spirit.
Life is not always the way you plan it and not always the way things are described to you when you are young. There will be things that make life hard and difficult to move on. All i can hope is that you have a little of that as possible. I only wish you the best and will do everything in my power to keep you safe and be successful.
So on your 4th birthday, I sit here writing this to you because i want you to know what happened and why you are the man you are. I hope you always keep that imagination and don't ever let anyone tear that down. It will take you to great heights. I write this for you, my son, because i love you with all my heart.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Happy Birthday
Tomorrow is my Mom's birthday, She would have been 52 years young. I dread the days that are suppose to "mean" more. Because they hurt more. I am looking forward to going through old pictures and having dinner with just my Dad and my Sis. I don't look forward to the tears...
It still seems unreal to me. One week she was enjoying family and walking through zoo lights and next we are bringing her home from the mayo... i think about that time and still can't believe what happened. I guess we always knew it would come down to it...
I thank that i have a family that is supportive and keeps me busy. I wish no one to go through what i have been through. As much as life is part of life, so is death. Unfair or not.
I need to beleive that my mom is looking down from wherever she is and is watching me and my family grow and become what she has always wanted. We will have margaritas and some crab legs for you Mom! Happy Birthday and miss you greatly!
It still seems unreal to me. One week she was enjoying family and walking through zoo lights and next we are bringing her home from the mayo... i think about that time and still can't believe what happened. I guess we always knew it would come down to it...
I thank that i have a family that is supportive and keeps me busy. I wish no one to go through what i have been through. As much as life is part of life, so is death. Unfair or not.
I need to beleive that my mom is looking down from wherever she is and is watching me and my family grow and become what she has always wanted. We will have margaritas and some crab legs for you Mom! Happy Birthday and miss you greatly!
Friday, August 19, 2011
a time for myself....
There is this thing called time. It is the true test. Can you keep up? You always say when I have time I will... You always say I will get around to it later... You always think that you will have more of it...
Father forgive me I have sinned, It has been over 6 month since my last blog post...
I started to think about my week and what lies ahead and thought, does it ever end? No, with kids it does not. With a wife that works a semi opposite schedule that me and a wife that enjoys her extra curricular activities as well, there isn't much time for just us and the kids. When there is, its usually spent cleaning, shopping, cleaning, sleeping, friends and family events and family dinners.
I use my blog as a way to vent my thoughts and frustrations and my emotions into words. I don't mind sharing my inner mind, but I sometimes dont want to blog as I go places I don't want to go.. but sometimes need to..
As I have my Cardinal DJ headphones on listening to music that puts me into an emotional and thoughtful place. The only thing and person I am thinking about is my Mom..
I dont know how to explain the process I have been though... I know I don't share enough with the person that I should the most. It is just difficult. I had a conversation with my Dad last weekend about how we deal with other people's family passing away... (sorry just had to change the Tivo to the next episode of Sponge bob)
How does one feel compassion when my mom was 50 when cancer took her? She never saw her granddaughter been born... I do not have sympathy when you have a grandma that lived to 90 or a grandpa to 87... I don't know if I will ever be... right? Normal? whatever you want to call it. If I live pass 70 I will call it a success and would not want anyone shedding a tear for me... I lead a good long life if it is meant to be...
I think I will try to spend more time on what matters more to me and not on things that do not. Its easier said than done. When your time is done, I am not going to be the person that looks back on life and wished that I spent a few more hours with my son watching Spongebob :) I am going to be the one that doesn't push his workweek to 12 hour days (Cuz really is it worth it in the end?) I want to be spend more time with friends and my family. My Mom was always there for me and never complained about it. I will keep that true to her and do the same for my children... I miss my Mom every single day.
I know this thought to blog was very sporadic and may not make much sense. But it's what I need to do and if you read this then its your own fault!
Father forgive me I have sinned, It has been over 6 month since my last blog post...
I started to think about my week and what lies ahead and thought, does it ever end? No, with kids it does not. With a wife that works a semi opposite schedule that me and a wife that enjoys her extra curricular activities as well, there isn't much time for just us and the kids. When there is, its usually spent cleaning, shopping, cleaning, sleeping, friends and family events and family dinners.
I use my blog as a way to vent my thoughts and frustrations and my emotions into words. I don't mind sharing my inner mind, but I sometimes dont want to blog as I go places I don't want to go.. but sometimes need to..
As I have my Cardinal DJ headphones on listening to music that puts me into an emotional and thoughtful place. The only thing and person I am thinking about is my Mom..
I dont know how to explain the process I have been though... I know I don't share enough with the person that I should the most. It is just difficult. I had a conversation with my Dad last weekend about how we deal with other people's family passing away... (sorry just had to change the Tivo to the next episode of Sponge bob)
How does one feel compassion when my mom was 50 when cancer took her? She never saw her granddaughter been born... I do not have sympathy when you have a grandma that lived to 90 or a grandpa to 87... I don't know if I will ever be... right? Normal? whatever you want to call it. If I live pass 70 I will call it a success and would not want anyone shedding a tear for me... I lead a good long life if it is meant to be...
I think I will try to spend more time on what matters more to me and not on things that do not. Its easier said than done. When your time is done, I am not going to be the person that looks back on life and wished that I spent a few more hours with my son watching Spongebob :) I am going to be the one that doesn't push his workweek to 12 hour days (Cuz really is it worth it in the end?) I want to be spend more time with friends and my family. My Mom was always there for me and never complained about it. I will keep that true to her and do the same for my children... I miss my Mom every single day.
I know this thought to blog was very sporadic and may not make much sense. But it's what I need to do and if you read this then its your own fault!
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